I LOST MY BOX

Coming to the realization that I am twenty five years old and living life as it is now, is unbelievable to me. Both good and bad, but I am here to talk about the bad. All my life no one has really understood me, I accept that I am the black sheep of my family (and I have made my peace with it). No one hears me when I talk, but I know they will read. Most will judge, one or no one will reach out and some will just read and keep it moving. But I will have had my therapy session at the end of the day.

Once upon a time, there lived a girl in her palace, the palace was peaceful, quiet, clean and well organized. Every day she would wake up, go about her morning routine, and all her other day to day activities. At the end of the day, she would have that one place of comfort to come home to – her palace. One day, a young lady who had lost her way through the woods stumbled upon her palace. She took her in, gave her food, water and a comfortable bed to sleep in. Of course, she assumed all this was temporary.

To her dismay, days – weeks – months passed by, and the young lady continued to live in her palace, she ate her food, wore her clothes, made the house untidy and hardly ever lifted a finger to help with the utilities or house chores. She did not know what to do because the people in that region had already warned the young lady that she was a bad person but she was not a bad person, they just never understood her. She was not a person you could easily manipulate or bully, but she showed this young lady her best side even though from time to time she would get irritated, act distant and withdrawn, sometimes have a nasty attitude. Her patience was running thin.

What would you have done if you were in her shoes? If the place that you knew to be your home or place of comfort was turned into something else as you watched, just because you are trying to be sympathetic with another person. Would it still be home to you? Though I understand that in African culture, everything is communal, even sins are communal,…. So for me to complain about this might be abominable, my ancestors might even be asking themselves right now, “Whom does this Atim think she is? We endured worse in our times,” (shaking their heads from above as they looked down at me).

But this is creating a black hole in my heart, a hole filled with hate and I slowly feel it growing with each passing day. I want to be good, I want to get along and I want the best for the other party. But it does not help when the person shows no form of gratitude and has a bad attitude from time to time. That person might have lost a lot and be going through a hard time, but has she stopped to think about the impact her situation has had on my life?

I just want what is mine back, I just want someone to think of me too. I feel so invisible right now, like I am gasping for air but I am being swallowed up by the ocean and no one even notices. I feel like I had a box, that was enough for one person, someone else lost their box, and I offered mine (temporarily). Now I am never going to have my box back, and I have to find my bearings elsewhere.

The Healing

I remember crying my eyes out the first time you said you did not love me. I felt that same deep pain as the day I found out that my daddy was gone. I had never cried over a boy before. Sometimes I wonder if you think about us, as you are out partying, or while you are out with other girls. I wonder if everything you ever said was true, or were you just pretending so you could string me along, till you found a suitable replacement.

I remember the night you told me you had feelings for me, I did not feel anything for you then coz I knew what we were and did not expect anything more. I started to think what if? But I hated your body odor, your nails and the way you feel like you are ‘God’s gift to earth’ yet you are not ‘all that’. You are the kind of guy I could easily overlook any other day.

I wonder what happened in that gap when my feelings took time to manifest. Did you see someone better? Did I become unattractive? Did you notice all my flaws and realize you did not actually love or like me? You made me feel small any chance you got. Told me how my make-up was not perfect, how my outfit was not ‘on point’, everything about me was unsatisfactory. You did not like me for me.

All those were red flags but the heart wants what it wants, I kept accommodating you yet I knew I should have moved past you. Every time I tried, you made it difficult or would refuse, but I should have tried harder.

You gave all sorts of excuses why you could not be with me, as I watched you flirt and pursue my best friend. I hated you, mostly for not being honest enough. From that moment I knew you never felt anything for me, you just liked what we had but you can easily have that with anyone else. I kept hoping, kept letting you fool me around.

I am not playing the victim here, I was nasty to you too and probably did some things that might have hurt you. You were never the kind that communicated or made your intentions clear. I am just glad I can write about this now and not have to stop and cry with each hurting thing I write. I am not perfectly healed but I will be, I know I would not want such a man as the father of my children. I am strong enough now to say ‘no’ to your selfish agendas.

I rushed into a new relationship out of all the hurt I was feeling. It is perfect, he treats me right, is obsessed with me. This is the kind of guy that would do completely anything for me, even if there are moments he is financially constrained and he knows I want or need something, he will find a way to make sure I get it. Basically every girl’s dream, perfect. But perfect gets boring, I have always wanted something …… ‘real’.

I have had a lot of self-discovery, moments of growth and I am still on that journey. I honestly do not know what I want any more or what the future holds for me when it comes to ‘love’, I do not even pray about it anymore. I just want to live…. for now.

Feeling Alive

If only we had a daily reminder that;
We only get to live once,
We only get one dad and mom,
Took into consideration that some
people are once in a lifetime.
Time spent never comes back.

Maybe we would have a better world.
Maybe we would appreciate our parents
more and value our time with them.
Value our relationships with others.
Do the things we love, chase our dreams,
love without fear.

Maybe we would not spend most of
our years on earth working so hard
instead of living.
Hating, gossiping and not appreciating
life for what it is.
Money comes and goes, time doesn’t.

Friends With Benefits

Our generation is okay with;
Being in love and not being together.
We call it a “situationship.”
We spend some time together, hook up,
And lie to each other.
While keeping our options open for someone
Better to come along.

What is so hard with being honest?
If you are using someone, say it!
If you like someone, say it!
If you want something serious, say it!
Nobody ever died from hearing the truth.

We make simple things difficult,
We like to lie, cheat, back stab and
Cause unnecessary drama.
All to be considered ‘cool’

There is nothing cool about a ‘situationship’
To me it is just sugarcoating the term,
“Friends with benefits”

The Unknown Feeling

When we are conditioned to expect disappointment, hatred, hypocritical behavior, lies and anything we hate from our loved ones and people we interact with on a daily, we automatically get accustomed to it occurring over and over again. Our minds get used to it, we are on autopilot. If your husband or child has a history of lying to you, you start to think that everything they say is a lie, … If your friends have disappointed you in the past, you start to expect disappointment from them often. 

But do we ever stop to think, … why does my husband or child keep lying to me? Why do my friends keep disappointing me? The fact is we are always so quick to point fingers at others, forgetting that we might be the problem. You need to realize your own faults and toxic behavior and take full responsibility for them if you want things to change, if you want certain things to stop happening.

So many times we do not realize that some of the statements we make push people away from us, those little remarks we make or the way we treat others. You just start to notice your child is never home, or your husband prefers to be in the company of other people. And as human as we are, the way we are conditioned to think… we jump to conclusions, make assumptions based on the person’s past behavior. 

Fact is the same way the world evolves, is the same way humans evolve. True some people never change and are comfortable with their lives the way they are. But for those that do or are trying to, all I can say is give them a benefit of a doubt. You do not know what that person is dealing with however much you claim to know them, everyone is fighting their own battles. The least you can do is believe them, if you cannot, then just let them be. Let them have peace as they try to take the right path. 

Everyone has problems, the difference is how we each deal with them. Do not blame others for your troubles because you do not know the struggles they have had to deal with from a tender age. Despite their age or experience, you know nothing about their experiences. Whether you are a parent or guardian or elder, know that your child is a human being. The world is already hard enough, there is no need to make it harder.

Some may say I am ungrateful and I do not understand life yet because “I am young”. But I will tell you this; if you have never bothered to actually take time off and genuinely find out what your child, friend, or spouse is going through, or how their day was. Then you have absolutely no right to pass judgement or make assumptions about how they choose to live their lives. 

DAMAGED

“I have feelings for you” he said.

I was speechless, unsure of what to say.

I knew what we were 

But the battle between my heart and my mind 

Left me confused.

My heart wanted it 

But my mind knew better.


I told him I had feelings for him too.

But instead he took a step back

And left me hanging.

He built up my hopes and tore them to shreds.

I opened up my soul to him and he left me in pieces, 

Like glass shattered on the floor.


I cried my heart out day after day,

Until my tears were dried out.

Hearing his name just did not affect me anymore.

Memories of “us” did not bring up tears in my eyes anymore.

I had reached a point of self-healing….


I loved him but I knew he could never love me the way I wanted to be loved.

I found my self-worth and loved myself

Enough to wait for something I deserved, 

Something real.


Today I thought about him even when I know I should not have.

A random thought that I could not control.

Later that night, I saw his text.

Surprisingly it did not make me mad

Or bring up old feelings.

I had already found my happy place,

I had found my peace.  

~Unknown 

How to live a stress free and fulfilling life

Put God First

If you are a believer, pray always. In good times and in bad times. Make God your best friend, have an intimate relationship with him. Just sit down and talk to him when you feel down, cry to him when it seems like the world is unfair, praise him when good things are coming your way and never blame him for not being there when you need him. Some bad things are good for your growth. 


Believe in yourself and always make yourself your number one priority

Always believe that you can achieve something however hard it may seem. Just put your mind to it, work hard, seek advice from the right people, be smart and most of all pray about it. Never give up if you really want something, no matter how fast time flies or how many times u fail, just keep pushing. Believe you can acheive that dream, that life, that marriage….  Etc. 

Put yourself first, yes sometimes you have to be selfish with yourself, your time, your space. Not everyone will understand you and that does not matter, you just have to do you sometimes. Do what is in your best interest because at the end of the day, it is your life. 


Be you

Do not be afraid of being yourself because others find it weird or… whatever, just be you. Break the rules of society and their norms of how people should be and blah blah blah… this is your life honey, and you only get to live it once. Do not spend it trying to please others or trying to be like someone else. It is more satisfying to be your weird self that people do not understand than to force yourself to live a lie.


Believe in the impossible

I believe in the impossible and most people will say that it is crazy but that’s what makes life so thrilling. That is what makes the journey to fulfill your ‘impossible’ dreams so much fun (The story will be fun to tell, the journey…. Not so much).

Most people just want to live normal lives and frankly that is dead ass boring. Work hard to achieve those impossible dreams, just believe. ‘What the mind of a man can conceive, it can achieve’.  Become the inspiration. 


Mind your business 

Do not compare yourself to anyone, everyone is uniquely different and all our story lines are entirely different, just similar experiences. Do not indulge in gossip or try to get into other people’s business, mind yours. Stay alone if you have to. It is more peaceful…. Trust me. And most importantly keep your business to yourself or to a few real people that you trust, not everyone needs to know your business. Move in silence. 


Forgive often

Let go of things, brush off offenses. The more you stay mad at someone, the more negativity you breed in your heart. Sometimes it may not be your fault and sometimes it is, just apologize anyway and move on. Do not hold the grudge, you never know when you might need the person’s help. Life is funny and karma is a real bitch.


Understand and be true to yourself

The key to a fulfilling life is understanding yourself, it helps you understand others. Keep away from things and people that make you feel bad about yourself or make you sad. Do what you have to do to live a comfortable life even if that means kicking some people out of your life.

 Never lie to yourself, if you do not feel like doing something, do not do it. Do not waste your life on things and people that do not matter to you or help you grow. And always, treat others the same way you would like to be treated because truth is whatever we put out into the universe eventually comes back to us. Karma. 


Keep in good company

The company you keep influences your judgement, the way you think and act. Keep in company of people that inspire you to be a better person, people that motivate you. This is very important because it will shape you into your future self. You know what you want your future self to be. 


Find your remedy

By this I mean, find something that soothes you when you are angry or sad. It doesn’t have to be drugs or booze but a little partying wouldn’t hurt😏. But do something that will calm you down and take you back to your calm and composed happy self. Something that will not bring more problems to your life, a healthy remedy.

Cook, clean, write, watch a movie, travel, just do something. Find something that soothes you so you do not go home mad or take out your anger on other innocent people. Basically understand yourself. 


Well readers, this is it, the key to living a stress free and fulfilling life according to me, Jordana. That is why my blog is called ‘my version of events’.  

UNDERSTANDING FRIENDSHIP

As you grow older you start to know your friends true characters. Their strengths, weaknesses but most importantly how to handle and understand them. Of course not everyone you call a friend is actually a friend, you have to know the difference. Most friendships come with benefits, people like to profit off others. If there is nothing you can offer… trust me, you will be the one looking for friends and initiating friendships. I know you are now picturing some of your friends back in high school… or maybe yourself.

In all honesty, I would say I have had my fair share of shitty friends but it has had its advantages. And I would not entirely blame it on them for the reason as to why the friendship did not work out. I am certainly not an easy person to understand or deal with, so most of it might even be my fault. I simply cannot stand ungrateful, selfish, self-conceited, hypocritical and immature people.

Image result for understanding friendship quotes

If someone makes me mad or wrongs me and cannot apologize and mean it, I’ll hold it against them. If you cannot return favors without me having to ask or beg for it, I’ll hold it against you. If you cannot be thoughtful enough to think of even the slightest things that require common sense, for instance… “Oh, Jojo would love this,” “I think Jojo needs this.” C’mon once in a while, who does not love friends who surprise them or go the extra mile.

You could say it is an African problem, but there are those temporary African friends I have had that were really nice. God bless your souls wherever you are… I miss the feeling you left me with.

I am not complaining, I am just sort of sad and disappointed. Having fake friends, seeing fake friendships all around you. Campus is the best place for fake friends, but you also find some real ones. People smile to your face but say shit behind your back and your so-called friend cannot even defend you in your absence. I think you just have to know your place with people, understand them. I know I ended wonderful friendships because of minor things that I could not deal with.

I guess you just have to find a proper way to deal with ‘your friends’. All of them are valuable in one way or another. But have your limits, do not let people walk all over you and take advantage of you over and over. If you have a friend that does not pay back money, then do not lend them money but you can give and not expect to get it back. If you have a friend that destroys your shit, talk to them, create boundaries, and keep things peaceful.

Do not be too quick to disregard ‘your friends’. People learn from their mistakes. They will never know they wronged you if you simply kick them out of your life without an explanation.

A REMINDER

Ever felt like your heart was breaking into a thousand pieces? You have so much going on in your life and no one to vent to. Everyone seems so busy and caught up in their own world, but expect you to always be there to listen and take part in whatever is going on in their lives without any consideration of what is going on in yours. Constantly labelling you as rude, lazy, self-absorbed, mean…. (The list goes on).

The world is “a slow progress to hell”, people are so damn selfish and self-conceited. Most people do good things with a hidden agenda that mostly benefits them. Distancing yourself from people may not be enough because at some point you are going to need people inoder to develop yourself. You just have to be wise and smart, be selfish when needed, put yourself first and use situations to your own advantage. But guard the goodness of your heart and do not go against your values. 

Life is what it is, it is not a movie, it is real. You need to humble yourself in certain situations and you need to put on your dark shade in other situations, just never lose sight of who you are. Do whatever you have to do to survive without breaking your personal values and always staying true to yourself. Always seek advice but have the courage to weigh it and do what is right for you. Only you know what is best for you, what is in line with your goals. Do not let this world and people control you. 

Karma; the satisfaction it gives

Karma is a beautiful creature, don’t you think? I do not think karma really exists in a physical form but I think she is an angel that gives you the same feeling you give to others. I say “she” because I believe it is only in the female genetics to revenge. Men do not often carry out revenge. Karma is not just one sided, she is good and bad just like humans. She gives you back both the good and bad feelings you give others. 

I used to have a vengeful heart, if someone did bad to me I would always want to revenge (I was that petty). And for some reason I thought the world owed me something, life was just too unfair. It was not until I started to appreciate life and all the things it had given me that I actually started to be grateful and love myself and my life. Sometimes you have to overlook the bad in your life by appreciating the few good things in your life. 

These days I will merely detach myself from people who constantly hurt me or make me feel bad about myself. It is not worth it getting even or trying to prove yourself to someone who already thinks they know you (as if they are God). I will merely look on when someone does or says something bad to me or about me because I know Karma can revenge better than I ever can. I know it is hard and it certainly takes patience but in the end it is worth it and feels better. 

Someone once did something bad to me and as I was busy coming up with a revenge plan, Karma struck (Gosh! I thank her every day, she did better than any of the plans I had). I even got an apology without asking for one. These days I sit patiently and wait for karma to do her job, I can never impose and do it for her because only she does it best. This is not having a bad heart or wishing others bad. It is just letting you know you hurt me and how much you hurt me. Of course the experience will not be the same but at least you will experience and maybe understand the pain you put me through. 

To the good people out there, you may suffer or be suffering and people may constantly laugh at you for doing good but if you are doing good genuinely, not expecting anything in return out of the goodness of your heart, all that good stuff will come back to you. Karma may delay but she keeps receipts and will eventually get back to you. 

P.S I am sorry to everyone I have ever hurt.