He invited me over for a swim and I thought it would be harmless. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
I went home feeling utterly disgusted with myself. I do not understand why I let it happen. But I remember clearly saying “NO”. Was it because I decided to lay on his bed? Was I manipulated? Was it because it was me and he felt he had the right to have his way with me?
A few days later, I asked him why he did what he did and his answer was, “I badly needed it.”
I only got one sorry even after the lengthy explanation of the impact it had on me and I should probably be happy with that ‘one sorry’. But I was not, I wanted him to understand my pain, to validate it,… to accept that what he had done was wrong. I could feel from the tone in his voice that he was not fully comprehending what I was saying. He wanted me to shut up and get over it.
I had always had that unexplainable anger towards him. Almost everything he did irritated me. I never understood my anger,… I quietly went through my episode of depression. I started to read about similar situations to understand what had happened to me and why I was feeling the way I was feeling. That is when I remembered all the times he would touch me and I would snap at him. He would say that I am mean and too tough. But not even my mean tone or toughness would stop him from repeating it.
One afternoon, I went over to his place to have a swim and just hang out. He bought me food, put on some music and let me enjoy myself. I had the pool to myself. Then he started to suggest that we have sex in the pool… but I was not up for it. It was getting late and I decided to go to his bed and rest a little before heading home. He joined me and started touching me,… I told him to stop because I clearly did not want to have sex with him. He asked, “why?”, and I said, “because I do not feel like it”…. he walked out of the room and threw a tantrum.
A few minutes later, he came back and I let him do what he wanted.
He ruined a good friendship just because he could not control his urges. A few weeks later we stopped talking,… I told him the reason why and all he said was “ok”. He was a good person, and I will never understand why he did what he did. And it took me soo long to fully understand what he was doing to me.
To be honest, I still feel filthy. I thought about all the times I let men have their way with me even when I did not want. All the times I blamed myself for being too easy, for getting drunk and dressing inappropriately. It is going to take a while to heal but I know I will eventually be fine.
Note: This is not my story and the owner chooses to stay anonymous. Thank you for reading.
THE EMOTIONAL GURU 
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